Goodbye #2

The sun was shining, the birds were singing. And I was off to a funeral.

I was talking to a coworker the other day about death and that I’m fine with older people dying as much as one can be. The pecking order needs to be predictable. Almost that same day, a young man made the choice to leave his family and friends. This wasn't predictable. Today I went to his funeral. I was there particularly to support to his brother.

It’s just under two years since I went to another friends funeral under similar circumstances. It certainly didn’t make it any easier the second time around. Both were 27/28 years old, well loved, quirky, attractive, intelligent, funny, music loving, active people. Both, however, had their grey matter wired incorrectly. Mental illness rears it’s ugly head once more. Often the symptoms are hard to identify. Some take a lot longer to become apparent, especially if you aren’t with someone 24/7. The symptoms and effects of mental illness are most definitely hard to manage – particularly in the case of schizophrenia. Unfortunately, for both of these guys, in their eyes, the cons outweighed life’s positives and they made a very significant and irreversible decision. And acted on this. I certainly hope they are now at peace with themselves.

The funeral was touching. I haven’t enjoyed the last few religious based funerals I’ve been to – too much pomp and ceremony and not enough about the dearly departed. This one was as perfect as I think a funeral can be. The music was beautiful, the readings (in my mind) worth reflecting on and the printed song lyrics especially relevant to the non religious amongst us. I re-read them later on with a few more tears escaping. Most touching were the reflections by those closest to him. They made the crowd smile, laugh and cry.

Now the hardest part begins for his family … whenever and in what ever way we can, we’ll be here to help support you.
xxxxx

Um...

So as I was just about to hit the 'publish post' button to submit my tirade relating to the boy standing me up when my phone rings. It was the Dr. He's doing the doctorly thing, you know, riding in ambulences with patients and stuff. He misinterpreted my last correspondence, and thought I was flaking on him, so off he trots to work. Of course being someone with a job of a somewhat important nature, the phone was not in his hot little hand, hence no response until he saw my 'you've not responded, boo' msg and my missed call. That's his story. I'll buy it. So a few simple things for me to remember a) be very specific with a busy busy person. He'll make time, but being flakey doesn't work so well. b) don't spit the dummy too early c) deep breathing

Anyhoo, my music marathon was fantabulous. Just wrapping up my Samiam session now. Almost time to curl up with my book - and my slightly calmer mood.

Stop. Boy rant time.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

It's winter. We all know how I break in winter. But so far, things have been moving along tres nicely. I'm not entirely sure that my precious fragile skin likes being out on a motorcycle for a zillion hours, but ce la vie! I'm also working my way back to blondeness. Do gentlemen prefer blonde Sarah? But most importantly, after the great man drought of um, 2006 - 2008, I seem to have got my groove back. I've been out chasing boys. The audience goes wild!! They even chased back which is a bonus when you want them to chase back. In the past weeks, I've been lucky enough to dance & run amuck with the most gorgeous guy I've ever been allowed to touch (EVER). I also met another guy, not my regular sort but he definately guaged more than a little curiousity from me.

But alas, he's now stood me up. I believe this is the first time in all my years that this has happened, me stood up after a zillion years - WTF!?! I'm pissy as hell. I want reasons dammit! Especially as this guy brought up the, 'Please don't waste my time spiel'. Yes, it is only date 3. However, today of all days, rejection is an even less tolerated offence. I'm pmt-ing my head off! I think there really should be a law against standing up a gal with pmt. I mean not just for your own safety, but for society. My neighbours probably agree with this concept, as I now have itunes a cranking to get me through this. Anyhoo, I know you are thinking 'ahh our little drama queen is back on the scene'. The one you all know and love so well. But dammit, we are not children anymore. Return a phone call damn you. Don't leave me at home on a Saturday night (even if it was unlikely I would make it out of the house anyhoo...). Had I known I was to be stood up I'd be out in Newtown with my mates. I salute you with my middle finger Mr Standmeup.

This is how I deal with rejection:

Ok, normally, my method of dealing with most things would be to get a kick ass cocktail in my hand - right freaking now. But no, I have a migraine. I'm on boring-but-necessary migraine drugs that get my head out of planet pain & confusion, and I'm under the impression I'm not meant to mix these with booze. So the next best thing to assist these feelings of rejection, sadness and the big one 'will I always be the solo person at dinner parties?' = MUSIC! Here's a bit of my set list from the last hour... Take all choices with pinch of salt and more importantly, a shot of tequila. I'm in uber 'girl has been wronged mode'.

Hot Chip, I'm afraid, you aren't rocking my world, skip.
Cold War Kids are helping, hang me out to dry anyone?
Time to ruin any street cred I may have by posting it up here - Diry Dancing soundtrack. Oh woe is me.
Placebo covering the Pixies 'Where is my mind?' - I thank thee.
Jebidiah - I'm Sorry (yes, I am)

My singing is out there too. Watch out kids, out come the so-cal late 90s punk's coming to get you.

Diesel Boy - Titty Twister 'Fuck you, I hate you is all she said As she slapped my face and spit beer on me'
The Distillers - cranky girl singers unite. Go Brody go! Seneca Falls - Are you ready to be liberated...

Dizzee Rascal - Just a Rascal. Ahhh Hackney.
Dolly Parton - Joelene
Dusty Springfield - I only want to be with you (ignore the lyrics, I just like the fact I know five words of it!)
Elastica - Stutter. Have you found a new mate? Is she really great?
Elvis Presley - Suspiscious Minds. This one got played as my friend Murielle just sent me a consolatory text message, and we spent many an inebirated night back at hers for a night cap singing Elvis.
Embrace - Ashes. Life goes on. Watch me rise up
Faker - This Heart Attack. Don't try to call my telephone, it's disconnected.
British India - Run the Red Light.

Hmm, is it time for Billy Bragg - New England? It's a great singalong song, and one that I sing about 10 times during every uni assignment. Fact: It's my replacement for chocolate consumption. Billy Bragg does not get you fat. There is a song I really wanted to play too - it was in one of the early episodes of The Mighty Boosh. But I'm too lazy to move away from my ipod and watch it to figure it out. I'm pretty sure it was a big 80s song. I thought at the time it would be a perfect kareoke tune...

I think to wrap up this blog & song fest, I need more pop punk trash to get me back to cranky, as I'm starting to mellow somewhat. Sad pants off, get me cranky pants back on. Hmm, what about some great break up tunes of past years - Millenconlin, Samiam, Satanic Surfers, Snuff and Rancid?

Sorry neighbours, hope the trashy punk stuff didn't ruin your ears. I've turned the bass down for you :) .

Musicians of the world, I thank you. Nothing that a few select songs can help me sing out my issues... actually, maybe this rejection thing worked well. I've really enjoyed raiding my music collection.


Ciao kiddies,

S
xxx

Look at me!!!

Something uber weird has happened. I'd class myself as happy & healthy! Last night I was buzzing about like someone had slipped me something ilicit. I was bouncing of the walls, dancing around listening to Triple J play a bunch of awesome songs. Alas, I was meant to be churning out an essay. So a vodka & cointreau helped me relax and get the verbal diahorrea flowing.

Unfortunatly, the booze didn't help my feelings of wanting to go and run amuck. Lucky for me, those who regularly lead me to temptation were not being tempted last night. DAMN THEM! I watched the minutes tick away, and as the clock struck midnight, I knew that this Cinderella was not going out to party. So reverted to the essay once more.

I have skin. Real human skin. Not crazy red and flaking. Just lovely, glowing normal skin. Woot woot! At last! It's much easier to concentrate when body is not insanely messed up. I seem to be getting migraines less too. They still kick me about harshly when I do, but less frequently. I changed my medications about, got rid of some and voila, here I am. The person I wanted to be but, but struggled to be to these evil forces.

Works all fine. I'm getting the hang of uni now. I've given up trying to study during daylight hours. It just doesnt do it for me. So today I went for a ride and hung out with my mate Steve and watched the footy and shovelled food into my face. Now I'm typing up a blog post. Poor assignment. You'll get my full attention in 5 more minutes.

I'm shedding some kilos (4 down, 3 to go for ultimate hotness), looking less like a potential Jenny Craig candidate and more like I'll be able to kick some serious ass next touch footy season. This season I had moments of glory and got myself a decent number of tries (was the top girl scorer in my team). But my ability to sprint was hinder by the 7 extra kilos that had jump on for the ride. We're getting there. Truly. My very cool team came minor premiers, but lost the grandfinal. I wasn't there, neither was another key player. That weekend everyone had stuff on, mostly involving vast amounts of booze. A valient effort was put forward, and they lost by 1 try. The team blamed me & Adam for not being there.

My knees aren't happy with the exercise regime, but they are learning to stay quiet. Several times a week I hit the gym. 45 minutes on the cross trainer, 45 on the bike and 35 on the treadmill (walking, jesus, I'm not super woman!). I'd like to thank Fox8's programming of King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy and then The Simpsons once more. My attention span is on the tv and not the monotonous calorie crunching I put my body through. We'll see how the body balance classes go in helping my snowboarding in a few months. Balance and working the core stregnth baby. Just what the doctor ordered. First class hurt me. But I'll go back again. Though seeing peoples bare feet at close range did gross me out a bit.

I've got the hang of riding my motorbike. Yeah, so I stall still at random times, but I've got the hang of kicking her over and getting on with it. I still get nervous before climbing on, but 5 minutes later that's in the back of my mind. I'm zipping around the city more regularly and in some high traffic areas. Phew, I soo thought I was never going to make it this far!!

Ahh, soo many things are good right now, and thanks to soo many people have seen me through all these frustrating things.

She's a happy little Vegiemite as bright as bright can be.... and here's the photographic evidence - this is after about 2 months of healthy goodnees!

S

xxxx

Oh the neglect....

Poor little bloglet. How I neglect thee.

That brief flirtation with nasty myspace. A more involved relationship with facebook. And you still wait patiently for my attention. Well now you have it. Why, I feel like ranting. And that my blog, is what you were created for. It's going to be a short rant, as I feel like doing what all moanie girls do when they are wanting (needing?) some love and attention, yet are finding the right provider of said love and attention difficult to source.

Yes, I'll put an episode of sex in the city on.

I ate real food!

Ok, so I know this is the stage where I get bored of having eaten the blandest food combos & written down everything I've consumed for almost a month, and get all wild & crazy. And go to the dark side - and eat REAL HUMAN FOOD!

List of real human takeaway foods I ate over the weekend - without breaking:

Bar snacks at the pub- spring rols, meatballs, chicken nuggets (no dipping sauces though)
Veal schnitzel, chips, salada, bread, butter
Oporto O'Tropo meal - burger, chips & lemonade
Pad thai
Muffins from Muffin Break
Vodka
Wine - ok, so it's cask moselle - but I sooo enjoyed it!

But I know my time is limited, so I'm back to being better behaved during the weekdays. I'm taking small amounts of steroids & having tanning sessions as I'm sure that UV is a treatment for ezcema.

I think it's now half way through winter, so not long to go until that sweet sweet humidity my crazy skin craves, comes back haunt all those with curly hair. Speaking of curly hair, I'm off to a fake hair party this weekend. Bring it on...the invite encouraged wigs, eyelashes & merkins. I've been provided a bevvie of blonde curls with a green gem in their midst. It's been about 4 years since I've been blonde. Should be enjoyable...let's see if they do have more fun (though I can't misbehave too much as I have to do my motorbike rider training out at Clyde the next afternoon. And you have to be sober for it.

Time for me to catch some much needed shuteye. Night all!

Sick Sick & Sick

This is my rant, and I'll rant if I want too. This post is a 'I'm sick' rant. You've been warned.

It's that time of year. My body can't handle anything. Bad ass reactions keep happening. I'm miserable... I managed a good weekend first in a long time. Didn't even misbehave that much, ut leasrt I got out, had a few drinks, danced my tush off, pretended I was a real human.

Thanks be to antihistamines & steroids. But surely, there has to be a better cure. I'm writing down everything I'm eating, and I can't spot a major pattern yet. Which is making me sad. I was tearing myself apart yesterday. Heart racing, skin burning, eyes gooping up, scratch. Itch. Repeat. Swallow tablets. Fingers crossed. Who know's how bad things could get without the tablets. I'm too scared of letting it go any further than necessary.

It makes it worse that I'm conscious of what I'm putting into my body. I've almost been writing up what I've eaten & drunk for the past month. I'm off to the allergist on 21st August, but thats still soo long away. Soo many questions to ask. Wish I was rich, and could afford to have all sorts of blood tests & when I have a reaction to see an allergist to say look - whats going on NOW. I doubt there are answers for my questions. As with most of my skin issues, it will no doubt be ultra random, or worst still, something out of my control. Like perfume. I'll end up in therapy at this rate. I'm up & down, mostly down, like a yo yo. Grrrr. I want to be happy Sarah. But fark, it's just beyond me at the moment.

I think I may have the most supportive bosses on the planet. To put up with me, whilst having a reaction/reactive week really deserves sainthood. Allergy Sarah is pure evil. I must be good at my job for them to keep me on with my behaviour as it is when I'm sick.

Right, sleep time. Least thats one thing I can get right with my allergic issues, and a little help from the antihistamines :)

Last Goodbye

In the beginning, the first place we met, most surely was at a Cooper party. 1996/7 or there abouts.

In the middle, life continued to involve partying. Drunken nights, my 21st, after work city drinks, house parties and the like.

In the end, there was a funeral. In attendance, the same group of guys whom I met at the Cooper party of 1997, minus the tall, eccentric red head.

Just under two weeks ago I found out that F was no longer with us. His choice. And it hurt. I didn’t feel that I had the right to feel as sad as I did. He wasn’t a close friend, or someone I saw regularly. He was one of those unique characters who left an impression on you.

F was one of the guys that I knew through M & A. They were always up for a good time, their favourite pastimes usually involving extremes. Be it adventures or drinking. The last time we were all out, I piked early. That was after bad dancing & absinthe at one of the cheesiest, crappiest bars in the CBD. Twas much fun though.

The time before, the boys headed to my place at Coogee, for what I was led to believe may have been a great party. My memories are somewhat hazy. There was a guy rapping. I was singing along to Green Day & drinking hefty amounts of Absolute. The photos reveal that M, A, F & myself were all super photogenic that night. As the party ended, I was sitting down, talking shite with F through the wee hours. We may have had a race to see who could pass out the fastest. Maybe it wasn’t a race. Maybe it just happened.

Lots of things just happen. Some are fun. And some are not. That someone who I knew, chose to opt out of life has made me think; to ponder the big questions in life. To think about the smaller things. To wonder how terrible it must feel to get to the lowest of lows. Lots of thoughts. I came to the conclusion that we all should be nicer to each other. Listen & hope that we can all get through the things that come our way.

F, you made your decision. Just wish we could have helped done something to sway you before you made it final.

You truly were ace, I’m sad to see you go.

S
xxxx